


Take My Body

by RedCoral



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, M/M, Panic Attacks, Swearing, endgame Mike/Harvey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-09
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-31 07:43:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12677463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RedCoral/pseuds/RedCoral
Summary: Harvey had a thing for his neck, a thing that Mike completely approved. He wanted to get lost in the pleasure of waking up with Harvey, but he couldn’t. “Harvey stop,” he said weakly. The hand that was on the back of Harvey’s head urging him for more did not particularly empower his argument. “Harvey, stop.”“Mm… in a minute.” Harvey didn’t want to stop. He had wanted for so long to wake up next to this man; he couldn’t have enough of it.“You mean when Rachel’s gonna be here?”“Rachel’s out. She won’t be back for hours.” Mike’s body froze against him. And sleepy Harvey didn’t like that. He wanted to coax it back to life again. So he moved down to his collarbone, the place he knew made Mike roll his eyes.“Uhm Harvey.” This couldn’t be happening. No, no. This wasn’t meant to happen. Goddamn it.“Yes, Mike.”“She’s here.”--When you love two people, you know one can ruin you and the other completes you beyond imagination. You don't know who is who and you can only be with one. How do you choose?





	Take My Body

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> So, somehow I got into this fandom and this is my first fic for it! Honestly, I think it took me long enough. Harvey and Mike have amazing chemistry and I can't believe I didn't realize it before. 
> 
> So, this happens after Frank Gallo tells Mike about the prisons and obviously sometime before Donna kisses Harvey. Dr. Agard is out of the picture and Mike has no idea what to think of Alex Williams.
> 
> The title comes from the song All I Want by Kodaline, specifically from the KHS cover with Chase Eagleson because it is truly amazing and inspiring.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters or the show. I just had that plot stuck in my head.
> 
> Enjoy!!

Mornings came easier now. Mike knew it was wrong. He was constantly between a rock and a hard place. He was stringing two people along who loved him deeply and he loved them in return. The worst thing was they had no idea. One of them because it would wreck her and the other because Mike never cleared things up between them after the first kiss and the man would probably never trust him again if he found out.

He dreaded that conversation. His stomach got tied in knots every time he thought about how that would go. He couldn’t lose him. Mike couldn’t bear to lose the man in his arms. But he was also terrified of the day when this man would wake up and figure out Mike was just a fling, just like all the others before him. Just a body to keep him warm and throw away when this burning need between them went off. It hadn’t been easy to get where they were. They had yelled and screamed and hurt each other before the truth came out. Even as he thought back to that day, Mike shivered at the vivid memory.

 

* * *

 

**_Few days ago:_ **

 

 It had been just another day at Pearson, Specter, Litt, which nowadays for Mike it meant just another day he was shut down for Alex Williams. Mike and Harvey… well, they weren’t Mike-and-Harvey anymore. They hadn’t been for quite a while. And now it seemed as though the distance between them had increased tenfold somehow. Mike thought of Harvey as his best friend, he had asked him to be his best man at his wedding for God’s sake. Now… now he didn’t know if he could still say the same. Maybe Mike thought they were closer than they really were. Maybe his own feelings changed his perspective.

Whatever it was Mike couldn’t take it anymore. This wasn’t why he had come back to work here. A pretty office and impressive bonuses in his bank account was not what he needed in his life. It wasn’t why he became a lawyer and fought so hard to legalize it. Money was not his initiative. But it appeared to be Harvey’s. Mike used to think Harvey cared about more than that. He knew Harvey put on a mask when it came to emotions and re-enforced his walls every time someone tried to pry at them. He had fought so hard to give Mike his dream. It was the most selfless thing Mike had witnessed this man do. That was just another reason why he thought Harvey cared about him. But now…

Maybe Harvey had more to gain out of it than he originally thought. Maybe his reasons were not as pure as he believed. Not that Harvey didn’t care about him at all, but maybe it was closer to the ‘at all’ than the ‘selfless’ part of the scale. Whatever it was, it ended tonight.

That was what he kept thinking until 6 o’clock came and he left the office. He didn’t bother to say goodnight to Harvey. That hadn’t happened in months. But he knew Harvey was going to work for a while longer, probably more than a while. So instead of wandering around the city until he was sure Harvey had gone home, he decided to rip off the band aid and wait for him in Harvey’s condo. The doorman recognized him and let him use the private elevator this time. Mike sighed as he took in the immaculate empty space. He poured himself two fingers of scotch and took a seat on the couch, bracing himself for the long wait.

 

* * *

 

When Mike heard the key turn in the lock, he didn’t know how much time had passed, but the scotch in his glass was gone. Harvey didn’t even blink when he saw him there even though Mike knew he couldn’t have expected him, unless of course the doorman warned him of his arrival. It didn’t matter. As always, the first thing Harvey did was put a smirk on his face and followed it with a joke.

“Honey, if you bothered to wait for me to get back from work, I hope you made dinner at least.”

Mike didn’t bother addressing the joke. “We need to talk.”

“Uh-oh,” Harvey said, his smirk firmly in place as he left the keys in the bowl by the door. “We reached that stage in the relationship already?”

Mike saw that even though he kept on joking, Harvey looked at him more carefully then, most likely trying to figure out what was wrong and have a witty reply on standby. For some reason, that pissed off Mike even more. “I’m not here to joke with you, Harvey,” he said, raising his voice slightly. Maybe now Harvey would understand how serious Mike was.

“Okay, I’ll bite,” Harvey said as he went to pour a drink of his own. “What’s wrong?”

Mike didn’t ask him “how do you know something’s wrong” like he would have under different circumstances just because he enjoyed teasing him. Harvey’s observational skills were not being questioned. So he said what he had been thinking for a while now. “I’m going to quit.”

Only for Harvey to roll his eyes and say, “This again? You’re a lawyer now. Not a fraud. You have no reason to quit.” Harvey leaned against the counter, taking a sip of his drink, as if this was just like any other time Mike had panicked like a little girl. He was wrong though. This was different. It had to be for his sanity’s sake. “I didn’t mean the law, Harvey. I meant the firm,” Mike said, looking at him in the end, trying to gauge his reaction.

Harvey’s whole world stopped spinning. It was as if everything stilled at Mike’s declaration, however the earth kept moving. The problem was that it was moving away from beneath his feet. He could feel the abyss closing in on him but he wasn’t ready to let go. He had fought with all he had, he had jeopardized everything so that Mike could have all that he deserved, so he wasn’t quite ready to let go. The thing is Mike saw none of that. Harvey masked it all by taking a big gulp of his drink, just big enough to have time to rein it all in and ask as if unaffected, “Why?” as if he didn’t feel like someone was squeezing his heart in his chest.

“You shut me down today.”

That’s all Mike said, as if no further explanation was needed. Regardless, Harvey could explain. “Mike-”

“Don’t, Harvey. It wasn’t the first time and it’s not going to be the last,” Mike knew at least that much. He could see the pattern here and for whatever reason protecting Alex Williams was more important than protecting unsuspecting inmates, one of which could have easily been him.

Harvey tried to explain, “I did that because-” but Mike didn’t let him. It didn’t matter. “I don’t care, Harvey!” he almost yelled, getting up from his seat on the couch no longer able to continue this unless they were on the same level. He pointed at Harvey, reminding him “That’s not why I came back to work! We made a deal,” he looked Harvey in the eye and tried to keep his voice even for the next part, “and almost every day since you have gone back on it in some way or another and I’m done.”

“I did what I had to do to protect the firm, Mike.” Harvey tried to keep his anger in. Mike was not done, not if Harvey had anything to say about it. Mike didn’t know the whole story and it wasn’t Harvey’s story to tell. He just had to trust him like he used to. Harvey had to wonder since when did the past tense apply to that.

“The firm or Alex Williams?!” Mike didn’t think he had any right to be jealous, but he felt it. He hoped Harvey couldn’t read it on his face. Despite the fact he had perfected his poker face like Harvey taught him, this man could still read him like a book when he wanted to.

There was something wrong with that question, Harvey knew that. He had had to choose between Mike and Alex almost every goddamn day ever since Mike took that case and somehow he had convinced himself Mike would understand. Apparently he was wrong. He clenched his jaw at the revelation and said in that condescending tone of his that was reserved for when people acted stupidly, “So let me get this straight. You think I’m choosing Alex over you and you’re throwing a temper tantrum by saying you wanna quit?”

“It’s not a temper tantrum-” Mike started, but Harvey spoke over him.

“You’re a lawyer because I convinced you to be!” Harvey said, raising his voice for the first time that night.

“For your own gain!” Mike yelled, his voice holding an accusing tone.

Harvey froze. He was trying so hard to keep a lid on his anger, but it was slowly turning into rage and he didn’t know when he would explode. Mike always made him feel out of control and this time was no different. “What?” Harvey asked.

Mike didn’t relent. He probably should have, but he was too angry to hold back. He was hurt and jealous and his emotions were like a freaking tornado in his chest. “All you want is to fill your own pockets and you’re using me to do it!”

“What did you just say to me?” Harvey asked dangerously, taking a step closer to the other man.

But Mike couldn’t take it anymore. Why didn’t Harvey understand?! What about the fear he had been through in prison of which Harvey was fully aware was so difficult to understand?! How even now during the night it made him fight for breath and wake up screaming? “It could have been me!” Mike shouted. Is that what Harvey wanted to hear?! “Goddamn it, Harvey! Frank Gallo was asked to kill an inmate once. Don’t you get it?! I could have been dead right now!” The dam had opened and there was no way back now.

“You’re not!” Harvey shouted back trying to wrap his head around what he was hearing. He couldn’t begin to tell you how many nights Harvey had lied awake while Mike was in prison, his head going from one scenario to the next and all of them ended one way; with Mike gone from his life and Harvey lost in the darkness, his guilt serving as his own personal guillotine.

“I could have been!”

“I wouldn’t have let you!”

“Yeah, well all evidence points to the contrary!”

It felt like a slap to the face. It kept playing over and over in his head like background music as Harvey tried to find his footing again. He took a deep breath, left the glass on the coffee table and stepped closer to Mike, because he had to understand. He had to get this through his big skull or else Harvey didn’t know what he would do. “I’ll pretend you didn’t just say that and you’re gonna shut up and _listen_ ,” he raised his voice in the end when Mike tried to disagree somehow. “I did what I _had_ to do. If I’d let you go on with the case, you would have implicated our firm and I couldn’t let you do that.”

Mike could hear what Harvey didn’t say. He wasn’t protecting the firm. He was protecting… “You mean Alex.”

Goddamn it, he just wouldn’t listen, would he? No matter what else he said, they would always circle back to this. But Mike didn’t understand. He didn’t understand that Harvey- No. Not going there. Not now. Probably not ever. “Mike…”

“How?” Mike asked, stepping closer to Harvey so that they were face to face. Harvey at least owed him this.

Harvey shook his head, “It’s not my story to tell, Mike. You just have to trust me on this,” his voice was gentle now, soft as he basically begged Mike to trust him in every way he couldn’t say.

“Of course I do,” Mike threw his hands up in exasperation. “Because everything is that easy for Harvey goddamn Specter when it’s not his fucking life on the line!” Somehow Mike was shouting again, now in Harvey’s face, his finger pointing at his chest. But he could see Harvey break now, he could see every single expression on his face as he finally shouted…

“You are my goddamn life!”

 No.

 No.

No. Harvey hadn’t meant to say that. He was never supposed to say that. He couldn’t…

Mike couldn’t know. Harvey couldn’t have ruined everything just like that. He couldn’t breathe suddenly because he looked at Mike and he saw… he knew… Mike knew…

Harvey had told him.

How could he? He had exploded and now Mike knew and he would walk away.

Because Mike didn’t need him. Not like Harvey needed Mike.

He stumbled. His vision was getting blurry, the air refused to reach his lungs and Mike was standing there shocked and… and something else that Harvey couldn’t really understand. He knew what this was. And Mike couldn’t see him like that. Harvey wouldn’t let him. “Get out.”

Mike was speaking but the sound didn’t reach his ears. He needed water. He needed a glass of water.

“What?”

But Mike was still standing there. Still shouting his name.

“Harvey!”

But Harvey couldn’t focus on that. Mike had to go. “Get out, Mike!”

Mike didn’t though. Instead, Harvey felt arms steadying him as he was trying to find his breath. The dizziness was worse. The room was spinning. And someone was speaking in his ear and Harvey didn’t know what they were saying. He just needed a glass of water, couldn’t they see that?

There was a hand on his chest and just like that it was as if everything was brought into focus. His vision still didn’t work but his hearing picked up Mike’s voice. He sounded calm. But there was something there…

“Harvey. Hey, breathe with me. Please, Harvey, breathe with me.”

His hand… he could feel movement under his hand and somehow he knew he had to match it.

“Come on, that’s it. Breathe. Just breathe.”

When Harvey came back to reality he was on the floor, his head on Mike’s shoulder. There were tears at the corners of his eyes and he didn’t want to know if it was because of what he revealed of because of the severe panic attack he just went through. Mike’s hand was brushing his hair and the other was wrapped around him. Harvey didn’t know what that meant, but he was exhausted to figure it out. All he knew was that it felt good. He felt…safe. When Mike left a kiss on his head, Harvey couldn’t take the silence any longer. He didn’t know for how long they had been sitting here, on the floor, wrapped around each other, but he knew he had to say something. “I’m sorry,” Harvey said, his voice hoarse due to the previous lack of air.

“Shh,” Mike almost whispered in his hair. “Don’t. It’s okay.” They could fix this. Mike would do anything to fix this. He was replaying in his head the last few moments. Every time his heart ached from worry, he held Harvey just a little bit tighter, kissed the first place he could reach just because he could. And he could do that now. Because it all made sense even though almost nothing had been resolved. Harvey felt what Mike felt and he was struggling to believe this was real. If it was a tasteless joke, then he’d milk it for all it’s worth. But Harvey felt real in his arms. The panic attack he had witnessed… it was nothing his imagination would ever dare to create. All that because one simple truth. Which meant… “Did you just have a panic attack for telling me the truth?” Mike asked softly.

Harvey wanted to laugh at how ridiculous that sounded. But it was true, so he did his best to hold it in. Still… Mike was holding him. He was… comforting him, if Harvey dared to call it that. And Harvey had no idea what it all meant. So he could spin the truth in a different direction if he had to. But he didn’t have the strength to do so. Harvey, then, took a deep breath and went for the next best thing, “That depends. Did I ruin your future marriage?” Harvey hated how his voice broke at the word marriage. Because one of these two things were true; either Harvey was the other man and ruined what could have been a good marriage, or he was the best friend whose emotions had gotten jumbled up but they were still unrequited.

Mike knew Harvey’s feelings on infidelity and he couldn’t let him think that. It wasn’t his fault Mike’s feelings for Harvey had always been stronger than his feelings for Rachel. No matter what, Mike would always put Harvey first and that wasn’t Harvey’s fault, it was all on Mike. So Mike pushed Harvey’s head back and made Harvey look him in the eye as he leaned in as close he could get without kissing him, his voice velvety soft as he looked into those brown eyes and admitted, “No. No, I did that on my own.”

Kissing Mike… it was like nothing he could ever imagine. Not that he had ever let himself do that, but Harvey knew no imagination could be better than the real thing. It wasn’t like anything he had ever felt. As Mike’s lips touched his own, his body woke up, like just a simple touch invigorated his whole being. He felt warm and for once like he was where he belonged. It felt like his heart knew Mike in a way Harvey hadn’t realized before. This was what so many people called… _it._ And now Harvey could call it the same. He _wanted_ to call it the same. It didn’t make sense. Harvey was driven by logic but Mike ripped it all apart once again. He could _feel_. And he never wanted to stop.

 

* * *

 

_**Now:** _

 

That all happened and Mike hadn’t explained. He hadn’t told Harvey he hadn’t spoken to Rachel yet. He still lived with her. He still loved her. But it wasn’t the same. Things were strained between them and she was being so freaking understanding that Mike almost chocked with guilt sometimes. But he couldn’t break it off. He knew whatever he had with Harvey had an expiration date and Rachel… Rachel was important to him. She was the best thing that had ever happened to him after meeting Harvey and he didn’t deserve her. But he couldn’t let her go. He was afraid to go any deeper than that in his reasoning because he knew that would be a game changer and it wouldn’t be a good one.

Meanwhile, Harvey and Mike never talked about it. They both seemed content on continuing their affair without resolving the complications they had swept aside after their first kiss. They were trapped in that cloud of theirs where everything was new and gave them that fluttery feeling in their stomachs, even though Mike knew Harvey would never admit feeling this way. It was their little secret and Mike hated how the word ‘dirty’ fit perfectly into that little phrase.

But in their chosen field of work people were known of their perceptiveness. Donna, however, was the one to confront them about this. Of course, she hadn’t gone to Harvey, because she knew she would get nothing out of him unless he wanted her to. Instead, she had gone to Mike, because even though he had become more like Harvey than anyone was comfortable to admit, he was still easier to break. It was the wrong thing to try to break him for, but Donna hadn’t known that yet. Mike and Harvey’s loyalty went both ways and not even Donna could break that link.

Mike ran his hand through Harvey’s hair as he thought back to that particular conversation.

 

* * *

 

_Mike was deep in his work when Donna walked into Harvey’s former office and closed the door, making herself at home. Mike would have been taken back by her audacity, but this was Donna he was talking about. She never did things halfway. She was sitting in front of him, looking at him expectantly and Mike was confused. Her serious expression was making him nervous. “Is there anything I can help you with?” he asked, raising an eyebrow at her. Whatever people said, Mike used to do that before he met Harvey._

_“How about telling me what you’re hiding for me?”_

_Mike was even more confused now. He had been working in peace and now Donna was inquiring after something without letting Mike know what that something was. It was an annoying technique of hers to get you to spill your darkest secrets, but Mike hadn’t fallen for it in a long time. “Uh, excuse me?”_

_Donna raised a perfect eyebrow at him, as if his confusion was a big act and she wasn’t buying it for a second, “whatever it is you and Harvey are doing and not telling me.”_

_At the mention of Harvey’s name, his mind came to a sudden stop. She couldn’t… no, she couldn’t possibly know. There was no way. They had been more than careful. But looking at Donna now, she knew. Mike didn’t know how but she knew. Still, he wasn’t going to give her anything. If she wanted, she could ask Harvey about it. Thinking of which… “Why don’t you ask him?” he asked, his poker face intact._

_Donna scoffed as if he was still the untrained puppy she used to think him of. “Now that’s a stupid question. And here I thought you were actually smart.” It was as condescending as it sounded. Mike didn’t know why Donna was being so defensive; because of her friendship with Rachel or because of her own feelings for Harvey which Mike was fully aware of. Either way, it rubbed him the wrong way and it made a spark ignite in his brain, which he tried to challenge in wit and no outright hostility. “And I thought you knew everything.”_

_Donna glared at him. And it was not a playful one, no. But it barely scratched his armour. Which he took the chance to point out, “You know your glares don’t work on me anymore, right?” Donna didn’t relent, and for some reason it pleased Mike. Let her think what she wanted. Harvey was his and she was slowly figuring it out. She probably didn’t like that. It gave him an unfounded satisfaction to smirk at her and say, “I think I’m gonna let you figure it out on your own.” He pretended to go back to his work as a way of dismissal, when what she said next made him look at her with shock written all over his face._

_“I just want to make sure you have Harvey’s best interest at heart.” Her voice gave nothing away, but there was something there._

_“I always have Harvey’s back, Donna.” He had, no matter what it meant for his own self._

_“Do you? Because I don’t think you do.”_

_That was a slap to the face and it was the worst thing Donna could ever use against him. He had done everything for Harvey. Everything. And it hurt. He had learned from his mistakes. His loyalty had strayed once and it had never strayed again. As far as Mike was concerned Donna wanted to hurt him, twist the knife he hadn’t realized was in him to begin with and Mike wasn’t going to just stand there and take it. He kept him poker face on, the way Harvey had taught him to. He got up from his seat, buttoning his suits jacket as he opened the door to his office and said with finality he was actually feeling, “I think this conversation is over.”_

_Donna got up from her seat and turned towards him. “Mike-”_

_Mike didn’t know if she was about to retract her statement or add fuel to the fire. Either way he didn’t care. “I’ve got work to do, so if you wouldn’t mind.”_

_Donna’s face hardened at that. She set her posture straight and walked out in that superior power walk of hers. And Mike couldn’t let her go without reminding her of one last thing… “Oh and Donna.” He waited until she turned to face him, “When you get back from prison just so Harvey doesn’t have to go, feel free to give me a call.” He would have slammed the door if he could. For now he settled for closing it and going back to his work, trying to forget this conversation even happened._

 

* * *

 

_**Now:** _

 

Now Harvey was stirring in his arms. Mike’s hand’s ministrations probably pulling him away from sleep. Whenever someone was about to touch his hair, Harvey knew it and he almost bit their head off unless it was Mike. So with that in mind it wasn’t surprising that he was waking up. But his closing his eyes again once he saw Mike and snuggling closer to his neck with a big smile on his face was. The kisses that came afterwards made Mike moan. Harvey had a thing for his neck, a thing that Mike completely approved. He wanted to get lost in the pleasure of waking up with Harvey, with the man of his dreams in his arms, but he couldn’t. “Harvey stop,” he said weakly. The hand that was on the back of Harvey’s head urging him for more did not particularly empower his argument. “Harvey, stop.”

“Mm… in a minute.” Harvey didn’t want to stop. He had wanted for so long to wake up next to this man; he couldn’t have enough of it.

“You mean when Rachel’s gonna be here?” They were only able to do this because Rachel went out on a weekend spa treatment with her mother, and now the weekend was over. Mike knew she liked to get home early. _Yeah, to see you_. He ignored the nudging voice in the back of his head and focused on Harvey again.

Harvey didn’t want to burst their bubble. It was a foreign feeling, this need to stay away from reality, but if he went back to it, he’d know that Mike wasn’t his. Not now, not yet. Harvey knew Mike would do the right thing. He didn’t know why Mike was prolonging it, but it wasn’t his place to offer advice. Or maybe it was in a way. He was scared. He hated it. But he was. “Rachel’s out. She won’t be back for hours.”

Mike’s body froze against him. And sleepy Harvey didn’t like that. He wanted to coax it back to life again. So he moved down to his collarbone, the place he knew made Mike roll his eyes.

“Uhm, Harvey.” This couldn’t be happening. No, no. This wasn’t meant to happen. God _damn it._

“Yes, Mike.”

“She’s here.” Mike’s mind was fried. He tried to shove Harvey away, to do anything to make him stop. But he was left frozen, trying to catch up with what was happening, feeling the pain get to him as Rachel’s face changed from disbelief, to shock, to hurt, to broken.

“What – how –I – I’m gonna-” She said, her eyes imprinted in his mind for the rest of time as she walked away.

“Rachel,” he said, as he pushed Harvey away and threw the covers off of himself. He went to run after her, but Harvey’s murmur stopped him in his tracks.

This was not fair. None of this was. Now that Harvey let himself go for once with someone and that someone was choosing someone else right in front of him. But it shouldn’t have surprised him though, should it? “Of course,” Harvey muttered to himself. But it hurt. The fucker hurt so much. He slid from under the covers and went to find his jeans. He wasn’t going to stay for this. There was nothing to stay for if Mike’s reaction was anything to go with.

“Can we not do this right now?” Mike asked.

Obviously Mike was getting pissed and Harvey wanted to laugh. As if he had any right, any right at all to get angry about this. It hurt. It broke him inside and Harvey didn’t know how to deal with this. Dr. Agard had helped him recognize his emotions, but somehow this felt like he was stranded in the middle of nowhere with this rope around his throat and someone he couldn’t see was pulling on it. Sometimes he thought Mike was pulling it. And now Harvey wanted to cut his airway just like Mike did to him. “Sure, Mike,” he said, forcing nonchalance in his voice even though his anger was rearing its ugly head, “When are you available?” he got up, pulling his jeans over his hips, working on the zipper and buttons as he said, “I’ll schedule a meeting.” He looked him in the eyes for the next blow, “I’ll call _Donna_ , see when she can squeeze you in.”

“Don’t,” Mike said, his voice dangerous. Of course he had told him about his conversation with Donna. Harvey knew how insecure she made Mike feel, how _wrong._

“Don’t what Mike?!”

Mike took in a big breath, and tried to calm down. This wasn’t the time for this. He had to find Rachel, explain before everything was lost. He looked at Harvey, tried to convey it all through his eyes but only said, “Look, can we just take on one thing at a time?”

_One thing, right?_ Harvey thought bitterly. “Oh yeah? And when am I in line exactly?!” Mike went to reply, but words for once escaped him. Harvey knew what that meant. There was no space for him. There never would be. He grabbed his Henley and put it on. “Just go after your girlfriend. I’m outta here.”

 

* * *

 

Harvey didn’t know where he was going. There was no point in going anywhere. He had opened up to someone, had let himself trust again, had let himself _feel_. And once again he was alone because he wasn’t enough for someone to go all the way for. He was broken and no one wanted that burden in their life, not when there was a better option. And now Harvey had no place to go. His home was smeared with the memories of a week ago, of feelings of safety, something Harvey never knew he needed to feel until he did.

So he strolled around the city, aimlessly. He didn’t take in his surroundings, neither paid attention to the people or the road unless it was to check for the stop sign. He really wished he had a wheel under his hands, something that could get him far away from this place, but he didn’t because Ray had left them both at Mike’s place two days ago. Somehow his feet took him to a park and Harvey took that as a sign to stop. Stop walking, stop running, stop feeling. He wanted to press pause on everything, maybe press the rewind button to a time when Mike didn’t know. He wished he could have said when he hadn’t known Mike, but for some reason that made it hurt worse. It made him stop right in the middle of the square, just long enough for some old lady to bump into him.

“Oh my god! I am so sorry! I didn’t – Oh, you poor thing. Are you okay?”

_You poor thing._

Harvey didn’t know what she saw. He didn’t have to. He didn’t need to. For once in his life his poker face refused to show up, so, yeah, Harvey didn’t know what emotions were obvious. He had never felt that way before; so hollow, so broken, so…disgusted with his own self.

_You poor thing._

Harvey had lived his whole life trying not to be her and it was exactly who he ended up being. Damn Mike Ross. He forced him into this; into feeling like this, this hate inside. Rachel was hurt and it was Harvey’s fault. He never- How could he? He became the cheating bastard he had accused his own mother of being. And still, even after that his feelings for Mike Ross didn’t change. They couldn’t and Harvey didn’t know how to fix that.

_You poor thing._

How could he do this to someone? How could he still love the other man after he had?

 

* * *

 

Mike couldn’t believe this. Everything, _everything_ had come crashing down in one moment. Everything he had had in his life was now lying shattered in his feet and he had no idea how to salvage any of it. He found Rachel in the kitchen. She was leaning against the counter staring off into the distance, a hand covering her mouth and tears rolling down her beautiful face. It made him want to run to her and hug her and keep her in his arms until it was all okay again. But he was the one that made her feel like this. Because he felt for a man what he couldn’t feel for her and now it was out in the open. Mike had had his chance once to tell her, when Rachel confronted him about constantly choosing Harvey over her and he hadn’t.

When Rachel realized he was there, she could barely look at him when she asked, “How long?”

Mike knew what she was asking. She wasn’t asking how long the affair had been going on, but the feelings. She was asking how long Mike had been in love with Harvey, because they both knew that was how deep it went. Mike couldn’t answer that. It wasn’t a question Rachel really wanted the answer to and it was an answer that scared Mike shitless. “Rachel, I-” he didn’t know what he going to say, but Rachel stopped him before he went far.

“How long, Mike?!”

Mike didn’t speak. He shut his mouth and looked away. There was nothing to say.

“I don’t even want to know, do I?”

No, she didn’t. They both knew it was over. Mike had no idea why neither of them came out and said it.

“I need some space,” Rachel said as she grabbed her bag. Mike didn’t fail to notice she didn’t grab her keys. She probably wouldn’t ever again. “Don’t follow me.” She didn’t look at him as she put her coat back on. “Don’t even try to call me.”

Shit.

 

* * *

 

Harvey ended up in his office. His old office, the one he had before he became managing partner, the one that now belonged to Mike. It was so different, yet it still offered the same comfort as before. This was his home away from home. He had spent countless hours here, fighting threats left and right, having drinks with Jessica, bantering with Donna, quoting movies with Mike…

It all happened in this room. It started in the Chilton hotel and it evolved here. Mike got in his home and under his skin and Harvey didn’t even realize it.

He didn’t know how long he stood trying to find records that were missing, basketballs that weren’t there, the painting he had expected to need to get through this. But at some point Harvey wasn’t alone anymore. Mike found him and his heart started beating faster even though his presence was like a knife to the gut. “What are you doing here?” His voice was weak for some reason, but his stance was strong. It took all the energy he had to keep it.

“I came here to talk to you.” Mike didn’t know what to do. But he knew he had to have all the facts before he made his next move and Harvey was the only one that could give them to him. After Rachel left, he had tried to think, to figure his shit out. He went through everything, every single moment of their friendship. He relived his time in prison, where he had gone for Harvey’s sake in the first place. God, he had gone to prison to protect him! He was a convict, and a lawyer and he didn’t know where was left and where was right anymore.

Harvey clenched his jaw and thought, _one last blow._ “Then talk.”

Mike didn’t though. They stood there staring at each other in silence until Harvey looked away first, shaking his head at Mike’s cowardice.

“What do you want from me, Harvey?!”

Harvey turned to him incredulous, “What do I want from you?!”

Mike couldn’t do this. He couldn’t –Harvey was – Fuck! This whole thing was so messed up! He started pacing around, running his hands through his hair in frustration. “I can’t-” but could he? One of them had to say it, didn’t they? So Mike stopped in front of Harvey and tried to make sense out of the whole thing, “I love you, okay?! I love you both and you know that but I can’t-”

Harvey was tired of this. What was Mike even saying? “You can’t what, Mike?!”

“You gave me something that no one else had ever cared to give me before!” Mike started to explain, and if it came out in yelling form, then it was because he was standing on a crossroad and he didn’t know where to go. He was lost and every other time Harvey had always showed him the way. Always. “You gave me all this!” he said, waving his hands around to encompass everything. “You gave me my life back.” He took a breath then, because, “and I hate you for it.” Harvey’s face fell and he didn’t understand damn it. Even after everything, he still didn’t get it! “I am living my dream but somehow it still seems unreachable and Rachel – Rachel makes it just a bit easier to bear.”

“Then what are you doing here Mike?” his voice broke, he knew that. But that shit didn’t matter anymore. Screw appearances. His walls had been knocked down.

Mike continued as if Harvey never spoke and answered his question at the same time. “I love her. My world is a better place with her in it, but when I think about my life without you…” Mike paused. It was like he could see it all right in front of him.  He could see the fuck up he would have been without Harvey, he could see it all in black and grey and it made it impossible to breathe.  “I can’t-I can’t breathe.” He looked back at Harvey then, hoping he didn’t see the tears in his eyes because this whole thing was cutting him open. “Everything turns black and white and I can’t breathe, Harvey. It’s like if you’re gone, my life is gone with you and I don’t know what to do.”

Harvey didn’t know how to feel about all that. It hurt and warmed him up. It made his breath catch and his heart skip a beat. It made him hate who he was and filled him with hope at the same time. But he knew there was one thing they all deserved. “You do what you should have done a long time ago. You choose.”

Mike gulped, because, “How can I choose when I resent you even a little bit for everything you’ve given me?” _For the power you hold over me?_

Harvey shook his head slightly. He didn’t know the answer to that. It wasn’t his answer to find. “I can’t answer that for you, Mike.” But he could answer it for himself. Because even after everything, even if they had one more chance and it would take them a while before they could move forward together, even if he had done the unforgivable, his choice remained the same. He turned fully towards Mike, his hands in his pockets, having the space between his feet match the one of his shoulders, oozing confidence his suits usually gave away for him and said, “I’ve already made my choice. It’s time to make yours.”

There was silence after that. They were both lost in thought, waiting for someone to make a move. Somehow this felt final between them. It was like the door was halfway open and they could either slam it shut or burst it open. When Harvey saw Mike didn’t move to do either, he couldn’t stand there any longer. He didn’t have the strength for it. This wasn’t his office anymore, his home. It belonged to someone else. So maybe it was time to leave them to it.

Just before Harvey was out the door, Mike asked, “Do you wanna get a drink or something?”

Harvey turned to him and looked at him carefully. Did that mean what he thought it did? “Is that your decision?”

“It’s what I’m feeling. And this feels right.”

He still had to talk to Rachel and win Harvey’s trust back. He swore to himself he’d never take it for granted ever again. He’d spend the rest of his life trying to prove that to him if he had to. He was only thankful Harvey had chosen to spend his with him.

Yeah, I know, no such declaration was made, but they both knew where this road would lead and they would gladly walk it together.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope it was good enough...? I just wanted to get this angst out of my head. So, there it is. 
> 
> -RC


End file.
